Non-Violent Communication

NVC is powerful, and can be harmful. Wield any power intentfully and carefully.

The Purpose Of Nonviolent Communication & Expressing Observations and Feelings. Expressing Needs and Requests. Empathically Hearing Others. Questions & Expressing & Receiving Gratitude.


0:00:00 - Introduction
0:00:10 - Part 1
0:47:14 - Part 2
1:30:43 - Part 3
2:23:19 - Part 4

0:25:36 - To observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence
0:49:22 - Power with people
0:51:29 - Universal Needs
1:05:42 - What we want and don't want
1:27:36 - Hearing requests as demands (danger)
1:58:31 - Solutions
2:04:20 - Cardinal Giraffe rule
2:35:43 - Sorry
2:37:54 - Action language
2:39:00 - Independance/ Space
2:44:13 - Enjoying someones pain & suffering
2:44:33 - Responsibility
2:49:16 - Stimulas & Reactions
2:54:50 - Thank you in Jackal
2:57:34 - Thank you in Giraffe

Much of our opression in close relationships comes from saying to people, I want you to respect me, to love me, to understand me, without being really clear about what we mean by that 1:03:40

How to make Clear Requests

(after we’ve expressed our unmet needs)

A positive action, what we do want, not what we not want.

  • Can’t use “to be … more friendly”.
  • Can’t use feeling language “I want you to feel confident in this”.


In relation to what the other person did, and your feelings and needs, and in relation to the reaction, imagine your talking directly to the person and express your request using this form I’d like you to … What do you wan’t the person to do to meet your needs.

With a little card: “Please do as I requsted, only if you can do so, with the joy of a child feeding a hungry duck.” Not out out fear, duty, obligation. It’s a request, not a demand.

Compare: “give me the space to complete my thought” (vague, involves mind reading) vs “please don’t start talking until I’ve completed my sentence” (actionable)

A Jackal doesn’t like that game, they don’t like to have to be responsible for what they want. They’d rather say “well, if they’d loved me …”, “if they where any kind of friend …”, “I think it’s only fair that they …” They want to control by guilt, shame, … 1:15:58

There are only two ways to respond to demands:

  • rebellion
  • supression

Not a path that let’s us connect with people that is any good for anybody.


  • Daddy, it’s taking you so long to talk!
  • Here’s what I can say quickly: do it my way or I’ll kick your ass!
  • Dad, take your time.

How to know if they’re hearing a Demand


  • Who was your slave before I was born?
  • … OK, then …
  • Oh, sure, yes yes, I’ll do it (positive, keen tone)

Never hear what a Jackal thinks about you.

The only two things people are saying is: Please and Thank you.


Make sure that no words come out of your mouth, that implies wrong-ness on the part of other people. Do everytihng you can to promote in the prople the trust that when you make a request, it is a request and not a demand. That increases the likelyhood that people will enjoy giving to you.

This work by Fredrik Wendt is licensed under CC by-sa.